My determination, however, is by all means uncanny. Cannot be explained, cannot be justified, cannot be matched. In fact, I surprise even myself with how hard, how fast, and how long I will go after something. Even after I’ve convinced myself that I’ve given up, I often find myself taking subtle means to achieve. Almost as though I’m trying to hide it from myself because I HAVE relegated to give up. And if I’ve resolved to relegate, then there must be a reason why, right? Surely, not all things are worth pursuing. I contend that this only further proves my point that….

Uncanny. My determination. They go hand in hand.

You try so hard to dowse the embers
but you’ll run out of water
far before I grow tired
of lighting the fire;
these embers will grow to flames once more

I actually wrote that a few days ago. Sparked, in part, by the word ember that appears in a song by a band I’m currently obsessed with. I thought, of course, that I was just being unoriginal again, but the lyric is:
“Go put these embers to rest my friend. I watched your burning heart grow cold with every breath to your vacant chest”
Clearly not the same. Perhaps I should give myself genuine credit here. Inspiration, yes. Imitation, I don’t think so. It IS clever, after all. And although quite forward–arrogant, degrading even–I am pleased with the flow of it. The way in which each word plays an integral role in painting the bigger picture. The way in which each word occupies a meaning far greater than that which is implied at face value. God I love writing.

But even if you command the flames at bay
embers will still remain
You’re trying to push me away
I know
It’s precisely why I refuse to sway

Oddly enough, it was fairly soon afterward that I decided to “sway”. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand one bit of it. I mean, I DO (I feel like I do) but only the why–never the how.

I’ve always said that if I have a crush on you, there must be a reason why. I’d much rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. But it’s like pulling teeth with you. Say one thing, do another. Act sketch whenever hanging out is an option. My GOD, it’s frustrating. STOP thinking. Don’t let your thoughts cloud your actions. Don’t let it impair your judgement. Just let go and let it flow. And rest assured that I am MUCH too pussy to be a boundary-crosser.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that I couldn’t be more wrong about this situation. In which case, I bow my head, take an about face, and set forth on the walk of shame.

Anything but stagnant

Yet…here I am. Stagnant. I feel as though the rest of my life depends on this damn internship. “Everything always works itself out in the end”. That’s the advice I gave to someone recently. And yet, I can’t seem to fully comply with it myself. I BELIEVE it, but…

Uncertainty.

It’s killing me. I know where I want to be, I know why, and I know when, but…

I don’t know the how. I’ve yet to find the means to the end. And, at this moment, there is not a damn thing I can do about that. But that doesn’t change the fact that….I AM MY WORST CRITIC. I never let myself catch a break. In fact, I just berate myself when I do. No matter the odds I’ve had to beat, there’s still SOMETHING more I can be doing. Something more. There’s ALWAYS something more.

So where do you draw that line? The line between content and something more? At what point do I stop pushing myself to be something more? At what point do I finally….Let myself…Rest. Rest.

Perhaps, one day, I give can myself credit for the things I’ve done, the obstacles I’ve overcome. But for now, I cannot be content with simply knowing that I am on level ground. I will not allow myself to be one of the mediocre ones. I will not allow myself to just slide by. I WILL reach my goals and I WILL do it how I want. I WILL do it when I want and I WILL do whatever it takes for that is the way of TRUE determination. For that is the way of MY LIFE.

This is MY LIFE and I will NOT wait for it to pass me by.

2) I can watch the Red Wings play on an actual TV
As opposed to some crap, grainy internet stream that may or may not exist in the first place. And don’t even get me STARTED on the process of finding a damn stream…

3) NO WORK
This means no income either, but goddammit I got overtime last week whilst still going to class full time. Fuck that. Plus, most of my expenses will be taken care of while I’m up there. OH! AND I have a bit of PTO to supplement my loss of income. This is just going to be all kinds of great!

4) It’s Christmas
I mean, really? Do I REALLY need to elaborate on this one?

5) Family, duh
It’s been a year since I saw my family up in Michigan and I happen to like my family up in Michigan.

6) SNOW
More excited than usual for this one since Boone has apparently decided to skip winter this year. Yeah. Fuck you, too, Boone.

7) Snowboarding???
See #6

8) Home-cooked meals
One can only live off of boil in a bag meals and Arby’s sammiches for so long….

9) I won’t be in a constant state of needing to do shit
Seems like as soon as I finish one big project, test, or what have you, there’s something else plaguing my schedule. It’ll be nice to relax some.

tl;dr version: I miss talking to you

Take My Hand
So maybe if I close my eyes really tight
And clench my fists til my knuckles are white
I can attain the power
To change things not within my control
I can relieve you from your cautious holds
Take my hand

Take my hand
And allow me to ease my way
back into your thoughts
Invade your thoughts like you do mine
Don’t squander your feelings
Don’t let this all be for naught.
Let our fingers intertwine
Once more…

Don’t fight this
Don’t fight me
Don’t fight it
Let the pieces fall where they may
Let fate have its way
Take my hand,
a leap of faith,
and let’s see where we’ll land

I don’t know if you’ll read this. I don’t know if you even care, but I’m running out of ways to communicate with you. Evidence points to your heartlessness, yet still, I desperately cling to unwarranted hope. Just….give me something I need; give me a reason to believe…

2) Never EVER turn down free booze
Again, your wallet will thank you. You liver may not, but your wallet will. Which is important because your liver does not pay the rent.

3) If someone offers to do your laundry, say yes
Bonus points if they use Gain detergent. Bonus bonus points if it’s a woman who offers.

4) If you have a friend whose apartment has a washer/dryer, by all means, mooch
Just think, what CAN you do with an extra $2.50 in your pocket? That’s almost 25 packets of Ramen!

5) Drinking on the weekdays is always acceptable
However, drinking on the weekdays when you have an 8am the next morning is probably not a good idea. 11am or later is the general rule of thumb.

6) Skipping one class to do homework for another is never frowned upon
The following is ALWAYS true: Missing a lecture < missing an assignment

7) Study groups are a MUST
It’s a great way to get the notes for the classes you over slept for….or were too hungover to even bother with class.

Feel free to contribute more as you see fit.

It was indeed quite interesting to read about the things that I had written. I scoffed about how wrong I was about some things. The bittersweet feeling of nostalgia brought a smile to my face.

But I laughed pretty hard when I read this:

I guess I just feel guilty for not having a job. I feel like I need to keep it for at least half the semester. I want to get the other side of my lip pierced. I hope that I did. I probably did.

That excerpt embodies the whole of me so well, almost perfectly. I go from talking about a job one sentence and then mention my desire to have another piercing. I can just imagine my thought process as I went from “I hope that I did” to “I probably did”. I was right, too.

But the greatest part about reading the email was that, of all the goals I set forth within it, I left only one unachieved. (Thank you, FireFox, for informing me that ‘unachieved’ is not a word. I’m going to use it anyway. Just cuz I can) Seriously, there were SOOOO many goals I had set for myself in that email. Ones I had completely forgotten about and others that I still feel just as passionate about as the day I wrote that email.

tl;dr
Go to www.futureme.org and write your future self an email right NAO!

I don’t know if this is related, but instead of just writing, I’ve been writing to music. Not on purpose, but I have. Whether it be music already written or just a random riff I’ve conjured up in my head. So maybe what I’ve been writing just sounds calculated. Idk. You tell me. I think perhaps I like the last two paragraphs best.

Most of what I’ve been writing has just been fragments, but here it is–in all its glory–for you anyway.

I know you thought I’d be ok
LIAR!
That’s just what you say
to keep your conscience at bay

Scratch and claw at my skin…
anything
anything
to bleed out the pain within

And I’ll dream
of the things
that are coming to you
all the hell
that you’ll pay
for the lies you spewed
because
I
Hate
You

I hate you
And if there were a word stronger than hate
it would be spewing from my mouth so intensely
that the sheer weight of it
would obliterate
the flawed perception
you pride yourself on
You’d choke on its excrements
as it consumed you, rang true
You’d collapse at my feet
as it crippled you, dismantled you
pathetic
worthless

So now I know
just what to show
and that it’s a part of the answer
(part of the answer)
And if looks could kill
you would be dead
several times over
(several times over)
But who needs glaring eyes
when I’ve got hatred on my side?

To the warriors you left behind
To the ones who gave up their lives
We will stand and we will fight
We will avenge thee, they will die!

I know how this goes
I know how it usually goes
Don’t push me
I don’t want to villainize you
Don’t make me villainize you

As long as you’re in my sights
I can’t see
just blurry shadows, foreshadows
cuz I know how this goes
I know how it always goes